Texas Republican Party Belongs on Mars

July 9, 2014

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Good afternoon:

The Texas Republican Party platform is beyond stupid.

Charles Pierce of Esquire Magazine explains why.

If you want to see the clearest symptoms of the prion disease that has devoured the brain of the Republican party, the state Republican party is your Patient Zero. And, before a whole bunch of people in the Beltway media playpen begin minimizing this craziness because it pretty much shatters the whole idea of Both Sides Doing It without which most of those people can’t get out of bed in the morning. This isn’t four guys in camo in Idaho. This isn’t a guy broadcasting on a short-wave from upper Michigan, or receiving the truth about chemtrails and the Illuminati through his teeth. This is the Republican party representing the state from which we got our last Republican president, and one of the biggest states in the Union. This is what it believes, as summed up with reality-based parentheticals by Hendrik Hertzberg at The New Yorker:

That the Texas Legislature should nullify-indeed, “ignore, oppose, refuse, and nullify”-federal laws it doesn’t like. (Unmentioned is the fact that, beginning in 1809, the Supreme Court has steadfastedly rejected state nullification of federal laws.); That when it comes to “unelected bureaucrats”-i.e., pretty much the entire federal work force above the janitorial level-Congress should “defund and abolish these positions.”; That the Seventeenth Amendment, which was adopted in 1913, be repealed, so that “the appointment of United States Senators” can again be made by state legislators, not by voters. (Admittedly, the Texas Legislature could hardly do worse.), That all federal “enforcement activities” within the borders of Texas-including, presumably, the activities of F.B.I. agents, Justice Department prosecutors, air marshals, immigration officers, agricultural inspectors, and tax auditors-“must be conducted under the auspices of the county sheriff with jurisdiction in that county.”

They want to abolish taxes, minimum-wage laws; Social Security; the Environmental Protection Agency; the Department of Education; unelected bureaucrats”; Congressional pensions; Supreme Court jurisdiction in cases involving abortion, religious freedom, and the Bill of Rights; the Federal Reserve; foreign aid, and Obamacare.

I have a simple solution. Let’s encourage them to relocate to Mars where they belong.


Harley Brown emerges from Fat Jack’s basement

May 16, 2014

Friday, May 16, 2014

In our continuing effort to establish ourselves as serious commentators about the end times, we bring you Harley Brown, a candidate for governor of the great state of Idaho.

Except he really wants to be president. President of what, you ask? Why, the United States, of course. God came to him in a vision while he was living in Fat Jack’s basement and told him that he wants him to be President of the You Nighted States.

And you know what?

He’s got a letter from an African Bishop that says that’s what God wants.

What does that have to do with running for governor, you ask?

Simple, you moran. He needs the practice.

So let it be written.

So let it be done.

Here’s Harley Brown, as described by the New York Daily News.

“I don’t like political correctness. Can I say this? It sucks! It’s bondage,” Brown, who had a cigar firmly placed into his shirt pocket the whole time, told the cameras.

“I’m going for the vote of the real people out there, not these bondage-type who don’t have a clue about picking up strangers at night and hauling them God-knows-where,” he added.

After claiming he had “a Master’s in raisin’ hell,” he told viewers his plan to seize power.

“You bind those evil spirits behind the feds with the blood of Jesus, the name of Jesus, the power of entombment of the Holy Spirit, the power of agreement, the word of God. Take air superiority, and then roll in with your tanks on the ground, like … lawsuits. Blitzkrieg!”

Yumpin’ Yiminy,

Only in America.

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